The Room Of Jacks

Through the years I have had many memorable classes. I have had quiet classes, loud classes and classes that were so sweet that at the end of the year, I hated to see them go. Each year is different and memorable in its own way. One of my most unforgettable classes will forever stand in my mind as the most challenging. Not because of the children, though they did bring challenge aplenty, but for my own personal struggles that year.

I call this class the room of Jacks. Out of a room of 16 children, 12 of them were boys and 5 of them were named Jack. We had Jack B. Jack C. Jack D. Jack E and Jack W. In the sense that Jack W. was out of alphabetical order and a tad too old, he was bumped up to the 4 yr. old room. This was the rowdy class of predominately loud and playful boys. 12 of them to be exact. I also had 4 girls, "bless them " and 2 of them were special needs children. One was autistic and the other had physical challenges. Needless to say, the stage was set for a very busy year.

I wasn't particularly worried. I knew I was up for the job. Having had taught preschool for umpteen years I was confident that my energy level and patience would endure. As it turned out, patience was not what I was in need of that year. I was in need of strength. I had just spent the summer previous tending to my Father and Step Father who had both passed away from cancer. It had been a long summer caring for them both and each in different states. But I had gotten through it. What I hadn't planned on was my dear sister being diagnosed with breast cancer and dying. I was devastated.

I was praying to God for strength but what he gave me was a distraction. Working definitely helped. My room of Jacks and my 2 special needs children kept me busy and kept me laughing. Oh, what a class it was. The 4 Jacks were friends in the class and outside of the class. They all lived close to one another, attended the same church and would be attending the same schools. It was like a fraternity of Jack. I found myself saying "Jack" 100 times a day with all of them responding. I needed a system. I began calling them by their first name and last Initial. Soon they began referring to themselves this very same way and within a few weeks the rest of the class had followed suit. Bowing unto the pressure, the parents also began referring to their own Jacks with Initial attached. The Jack phenomenon continued into the 4 year old room and carries through to this day. Jack D's mother now works at our center and even though her son is now in the 4th grade, she still refers to him as Jack D.

My special needs girls were sweet and loving, as most special needs children are, but very demanding. My autistic child was prone to scream until she vomited every time we left the room. Keep in mind this was up to 3 times a day. After the first week I brought in a ready store of clean clothes to change into and became a quick change artist. The other little girl had epileptic seizures at least once a week and sometimes more often. Soon I was able to administer Demerol in a flash after dialing 911. I had to be on my toes. I didn't dwell on my grief, I was simply too busy. The room of Jacks helped me get through that tough tough year.

Each class has its own personality. This class was my loving and caring class. That rambunctious class of rowdy boys were so protective of each other and especially our special needs girls. They made extra efforts to play with these girls, share their toys and to hold their hands. They watched them when out of the room and should one of them need my help they would run to me. If another child from another room even looked at them cross ways they were there to stand up for them and protect them. It was a heartwarming thing to watch. In that class of Jacks those 2 girls thrived.

Once I was able to catch my breath the whole school year had all but passed. I had stayed so busy tending to this sweet but demanding class that an amazing thing had happened. My grief had dissipated into a manageable level. I had prayed for strength but had received a diversion. I had endured and grown strong again. Who in this world can dwell on death amongst so much life? Certainly not me. Thank you God.

Questions or comments? Please feel free to "Ask Ms. Donna"

Radical Thinking

I am a worrier. I consider this my job and I am good at it. Since I was a child I have worried about pollution, war and nuclear annihilation. Okay, the films we watched in elementary school telling us to duck and cover didn't help....as if ..... Worrying is, and forever will be, an intricate part of my psyche. In my adult life I have adjusted. I plan ahead, store water and I worry. All of the above helps me to function in my day to day life. I, at least, feel prepared for impending doom. I am generally a happy person with a dash of anxiety and a pinch of pessimism.

One would think that the current state of world affairs and the ever looming energy crisis would have thrown me into hyper worryland. I am stunned to announce that it has not. I actually am at peace because I know that as a nation we just can't continue on the same path. Somethings gotta give. 6 dollar a gallon gasoline is going to be the motivator to bring about the change we need.

As a whole America and our families are self destructing. One doesn't need a degree in sociology to recognize what is evident. High divorce rates, crimes against children, and the deterioration of our schools point to the obvious. We are focused on the physical exterior and not the emotional interior. We need something, anything to bring us back to a more simple time.

Happiness can no longer depend on the government, fast food, designer handbags or status symbol cars. Our habits as a family and a nation have to change. Being optimistic here, perhaps not having the ability to run the roads freely with cheap gas to buy entertainment and material things to make us happy, will put us on the road to the change we need. We need core values, we need our God, we need our community, and we need each other. None of this can be gotten at the mall.

All of this is radical thinking I know. For me, being optimistic is not a personal given. But what else can I do, what can we collectively do? We can either embrace this challenge, change how we live, or we can worry. For once in my life I choose to be optimistic. A wise man once said that the only constant in life is change. No truer words have ever been spoken.

Questions or comments? Please feel free to "Ask Ms. Donna"

High Noon At The Candy Corral

It certainly is summer. Now that school is out I see more and more mothers out shopping with their children in tow. The children get bored, the mom loses her patience, add heat, humidity, stir well and you have the recipe for a summer showdown. We've all been there.
Last week I was picking up Birthday cards at the drugstore. In front of me was a frazzled looking Mom with her two children. The youngest was somewhat contained in a small shopping cart, and the other named Jeffrey appeared to be about 6. I knew his name was Jeffrey because drugstores aren't that large and I had watched as his mom chased and called after him through the entire store. What should have been a short stop at the drugstore had turned into a 20 minute fiasco. Obviously Jeffrey was under the impression that when his mother said stop, that meant go. And so it went until his mother had managed to corral him into the register line. Once there Jeffrey was a busy boy handling every piece of candy gum and mint within reach.
By this time Jeffrey's mother was so visibly upset she was trembling. "Jeffrey stop! Put that down....NOW! Jeffery noooooooo" And then it happened, the last straw so to speak. Jeffrey pulled down an entire box of candy bars onto the floor. His mother scooped them up and squared off to face Jeffrey. By this time she was hissing. " Don't you dare touch another single piece of candy". Inwardly I groaned. Jeffrey smirked and slowly, every so slowly, he reached out with one finger and proceeded to poke everything he could reach. The showdown was over before it ever really started. Hands down, Jeffrey won. The mother rolled her eyes and all I could hear was Jeffrey shrieking with laughter as they left.
Now I have to ask. Why did Jeffrey's mother level a threat with no intention of following through? From Jeffrey's behavior the answer is she never has followed through with any consistency. Jeffrey knew the odds were in his favor. Parents word to the wise here. Discipline early, discipline often and always, always follow through.
Questions or comments? Please feel free to "Ask Ms. Donna"

Keep It Simple

This was the mother of all birthday parties. About 10 years ago I had a sweet child in my preschool class who was soon to be 4 years old. Her mom had asked if she could provide a special Barney themed party for her daughter. She also wanted to know if a few family members could attend. I usually encourage small parties for the children without much fanfare, but this had been a difficult year for this little girl because her parents were getting divorced. So I said yes.
On the day of this child's Birthday, 10 am sharp, I had the children seated and waiting. I heard a knock on the door and there was a life size Barney calling out my name. "Ms Donna! Ms Donna! I have birthday greetings for Kylie!" Now let me explain. Not only was this the real purple deal but along with Barney was the whole film production. There were cameramen, sound crews, stage lights and oh yes, family members. About 12 of them. The Barney crew entered my room dancing, singing and music blaring. I was shocked and just a little in awe. The only thing I could think of was to close my mouth and try to smile because all of this was being filmed. Boom mic and all.
In the hour or so that followed we had a featured song and dance with group participation of a song called, Mommy and Daddy are divorcing but they still love me, a grand gift presentation of too many gifts along with Kylie blowing out her birthday candles. We actually had 2 takes of the candle scene because the 1st one didn't get all of Barney's head in the shot.
I finally got up enough nerve to signal the mom and cameraman to wrap it up. I actually used the directors hand signal of cut. This made Barney laugh. Still in shock I ushered the entire Barney entourage outside and thanked them. The cameraman shut off his camera and asked for a piece of cake. Barney and his business manager had long gone. Yes, Barney had left the building.
The rest of the day was a blur. I tried to have a normal day but it seemed the children were in hyper Barney warp. All they could do or talk about was Barney and their part in the Barney dance routine. Little did they know that when they left that day each of them had their own DVD of the party along with Barney dolls stuffed into designer gift bags. 16 of them to be precise.
How do you top this? Believe me parents try. Birthday celebrations are no longer simple affairs with friends, family and cake, but elaborate themed Hollywood like productions. No wonder when a child reaches the age of 16 they are disappointed if they aren't handed over a set of keys to their new car. Enough is enough. Parents set expectations and if a child is whiny and demanding they need look no further than themselves.
I have so many parents ask me for advice on children that are demanding and whiny especially when shopping with them. These are the same children that come into class sporting the latest cool celebrity themed clothing or bragging about their new video games. First of all 4 and 5 year olds should not be so merchandise savvy. I find it very sad that these children are bragging about material items.
Parents if you don't want your child to be demanding or whiny you need to stop giving into the more is better way of thinking. Start by keeping celebrations and gift giving simple. Do not buy them every trendy item or toy that hits the market. And please please, do not try to top a Hollywood version of a Barney themed Birthday party. Learn to say no.
Questions or comments? Please feel free to "Ask Ms. Donna"

Learning Through Play

I hate to admit that I am old but I guess I am. Sometimes it is hard for me to believe that I am 52 and will soon be 53. The changes I have seen in my lifetime are nothing short of extraordinary. Funny, but I remember my grandmother saying the same thing. I know that there will come a time that my children will acknowledge the same. And so it goes, to be repeated by each generation that follows the one before.
When I was a child I played with a red trike, a doll and mud. There wasn't much else out there. I was blissfully happy clutching my doll while riding my bike and oh yes, covered in mud. { I have pictures } My sisters and I spent our summers playing, catching fireflies and pretending. Our imaginations were fertile fields that grew all sorts of fanciful fairy tale scenarios. It was so enjoyable a time that I still remember those summers that were so very long ago.
Play is so important for growing children. I am a firm believer that children learn so much through the simple act of playing. I am worried that the sophistication of toys, computer games and the ready abundance of movies geared toward children is taking away imagination fueled play. In other words, children are being entertained by things. The buzzing brightly colored bi-lingual games and toys children play with are expensive, flashy and just a little too easy.
One of the major differences I see in the preschool children I teach now compared to the children I had 20 years ago is that the children today are easily bored. In a classroom setting these children are busy with their writing, cutting, artwork and center play. During this time they are content. What I notice is when these same children have free gym or playground time they tend to lose interest and repeatedly ask to go back to the classroom. It seems as if they have lost the simple joy of playing.
The makers of children's toys and their marketing reps fill magazines and TV commercial time with ads on the benefits of educational toys and computer games. I understand the pressure parents feel to provide every opportunity to enrich their child's life with knowledge. We want our children to have that "edge" and at an early age. After all it is a competitive world. The only concern I have is that these games are so unnatural. They require very little manipulation. Usually just a point and a click. The information is instant and easy...too easy. Where is the mud? Where is the sense of discovery?
Maybe it is just me and I am getting old. But I do think the best way for children to learn and experience life is through play. When a child is entrenched in imaginative play they do not get bored. They can be anything or anyone they want and the possibilities are endless. I just worry that when the children I teach today grow up and reflect back upon their childhood, they won't remember how they played but only have a vague recall of antiquated computer games.
Questions or comments? Please feel free to "Ask Ms. Donna"

Be A Parent Not A Friend

My sons truly are my best friends. Now that they are grown adults that is. The parent -child line has blurred and we are easy within our own company. It was a long road getting to this point but well worth the journey. Trust me when I say it was not always this way.
When my boys were young my husband and I ruled over them and our way was the only way. We were their parents, not their friends. For a good portion of those years they probably didn't even like us very much. This being said, they did love and respect us. One thing was certain, in those growing years they never questioned who was in charge.
Something interesting has happened in the some 20 years that I have parented and taught preschool. Parents no longer parent through strength and example but try to evoke good behavior in children by being their friends. I see this where I work and in various social settings. Parents acting silly, teasing and using this playful sing-song voice that screams, "please like me so you will do as I say without putting up a fuss." After several attempts and the inevitable failure, the parents then turn into adult robo cops and bark out instructions. Now the child is not only scared but confused.
The obvious medium here would be for children to have consistent authoritative adult parents that set rules and expectations calmly without morphing into agitated rulers. Not that this will guarantee perfect behavior. Children are children and we expect them to misbehave from time to time. When they do misbehave that is the time for the parents to step up and discipline. Only parents can discipline their children, a friend cannot. Being the parent and not the friend will do two things. It will eliminate confusion and teach respect. After all is said and done, if a child doesn't respect their parents it is almost impossible to get them to follow directions.
Being a Mom or Dad, having a job and parenting small children is no picnic. We are taxed emotionally and physically. I know that parents often try to find the path of least resistance when it comes to disciplining. Nothing is more exhausting then having a major meltdown with your child over an insignificant matter. It is tiring and frustrating for everyone involved. The playful friend-parent approach mayhap worked when first used but long term it is quickly ignored by children.
It truly is okay for you to expect your children to behave and if they do not, it is also okay for them not to like you or the set punishment and discipline you give them. The little known fact here is that children thrive in an environment where there are set rules and boundaries. It makes them feel secure. So who better to set those rules than you the parent? There will be time for you to have true friendship with your children but that will not happen until they are grown. For now be your child's parent, not their friend. It works best this way. Trust me.
Questions or comments? Please feel free to "Ask Ms. Donna"

Over Involvement

All parents want to protect their children, after all it is what parents do. It is our job. We protect them when they are tiny helpless infants and it continues as they grow and strive to overcome the restrictions of their environment. We childproof our homes, cover sharp corners and keep our fingers crossed.
As hard as it might seem there comes a time when parents need to let go. Children will stumble and they may fall but a wise parent knows that a child will get back up. Children will encounter many falls not only in the physical world but also in the emotional social world.
We go through a child's first few years protecting them from danger. We follow, we prevent and we try to protect. One of the hardest things a parent will experience is watching as a child gets hurt. We tend to blame ourselves and redouble our efforts to keep that child from ever experiencing hurt. Dear parents, this is as unrealistic as it is an impossible goal. Your efforts could actually even harm your child.
We want to foster strong children with the ability to look within themselves for strength and not to look to their parents. At the age of 2 we need to step back and help our children learn how to cope on their own. They need to know that ever little bump or fall does not require parental intervention. More important are the relationships they have with their peers. At the age of 3 and 4 children become social little beings. It has always been a pleasure to watch the beginnings of the social aspect of a child's life. As a preschool teacher, listening to their lunchtime conversations is so sweet and entertaining. They are learning the give and take of how to get along. This is true social behavior and not to be mistaken with the self absorbed aspects of the toddler or 2 year old who is more concerned with the ownership of a toy.
If a parent continues to intervene or 'fix' their child's playground disputes and squabbles, by the time that 2 year old becomes 4 he or she will look to his or her parents to solve all of their challenges. Several years ago I had a sweet 4 year old girl who told her mother daily of every slight and every difficult obstacle she had faced during her day. " So and so wouldn't let me play with her," or, "So and so wouldn't share their puzzle with me," etc. etc. and so on. Her mother would then corner that particular child or their parent and confront them about something that had happened earlier on in the day. Now these are the same challenges each and every other child in the room faced but the other children had the ability to work through these problems and go about their day. This little girl didn't have this ability because she had been taught from an early age to look to her mother to fix all her problems.
Although well meaning, this particular mother was so over protective that she had stunted her child's ability to cope. I can only imagine how this mother and daughter relationship would evolve during the upcoming years but I am certain of one thing. It would be a very dependant one.
Serious problems during the preschool years can and will occur. Use your common sense on when to jump in and help. But in the every day dealings and social tug of war of the preschooler, it is best to let them work through their own day with little help or involvement from their parent. I know it is hard to do, but sometimes we need to take a deep breath, step back and cross our fingers.
Questions or comments? Please feel free to "Ask Ms. Donna"